11:11: 2014

4 months ago: see that thing when people do stuff because they have the impression that it’s fun or it feels good because of what they’ve learned from society, that’s gross, like seeing people get so drunk because thats what having a good time is is the worst because to be honest it is the opposite of that, the amount you drink has a negative correlation with how positive your experience is, also that whole flirting, grabbing thing that drunk people do when they just paw at your skin that’s also gross and it’s totally shady and it needs to be stopped.

3 months ago: if someone mispronounces a word just don’t give them shit about it because if you understood what word they were trying to say then you’ve missed the point of language and you need to just cool your shit

3 months ago: i am so against home-schooling like i feel like it deprives a child of interaction with other children at such a crucial stage in their life and not learning how to deal with different types of people means that that child will grow into a socially awkward, backward adult that cannot function optimally in society. i mean obvs do it as a very last resort but if bullying is the problem then change school or tackle the problem because overcoming bullying will ultimately lead to a stronger adult that can overcome and deal problems as opposed to just leaving them behind. i dunno.

3 months ago: training to be a dancer is weird because theres a 90% chance you will completely fail and never be paid to dance ever, but there’s still 10% that offers travelling around the world and meeting cool nice people and doing something fun and being paid to do it and that 10% is enough for me

2 months ago: i wasn’t picked for any choreographic pieces in the first term and i wasn’t picked for atonement and i wasn’t picked for the promotional video. But this term i’ve been asked to be in 6 pieces, however there’s only 2 of those where i actually dance as opposed to stand behind a girl and just hold her hand while she does stuff. i’m beginning to really hate the way the dance world works. like boys have to basically support girls while they whap their legs about and do the impressive stuff that boys know know do as well but don’t ever get to do because girls get to do it instead, then the bits that boys do get they basically do loads of really powerful jumps to really strong music in about 1 minute and then it’s back to partnering for the next 30 mins. it’s a rough deal and not one im ready to accept.

2 months ago: basically im supposed to do an essay on how dancers can enhance and develop their self esteem and im having loads of trouble with it because self esteem is something i either have zero trouble with or i have a 9000% decreased level of self esteem for a short period of time, so i’m not really the same as other people so i’m having trouble and i want to die

1 month ago: i feel like the most i need from a relationship is just to feel the weight of another person, it’s so saddd

1 month ago: there’s people at my school that like really actively talk to me, like the really want to interact with me and they are so nice and including most of the time but obvs not all the time because they are 2 couples so they do double date-ish kind of things but i mean they are my 4 favourite people and im just really glad i know them and that they like me yey

4 weeks ago: after doing a solo i choreographed in front of my year at rambert someone said i looked like a professional dancer and another said they thought i must be computer generated, i really love doing well at something, i worked so hard on that solo, it’s just nice that people were nice

5 days ago: i had the best dream and it was about someone i havent seen in a long time it was fun for me

5 days ago: i was on the tube and i made eye contact with this sort of hot maybe late 30’s guy while looking at my own reflection in the window. then 3 seats were free and i sat in between the man and this other woman. his leg was sort of pressed up against mine but i thought mm maybe thats just because we are on a tube, plus i sort of liked it. then he started like slowly rubbing his leg against mine, it was really subtle so at first i thought he was just jiggling his leg but then it got like bigger and more force against mine. and he kept looking right into my eyes in the reflection in the window. so for like 7 stops i was thinking holy fuck this random guy wants me how fun, but then he did the things everyone does before they leave like take your bag off the floor and put it on your lap, but he didnt leave. so i realised wait a minute what the fuck is wrong with me where do i think this is going? this man is going to legit fuck me in a tube station? am i going to go back to his house? he could be anyone what the fuck is wrong with me. so pulled my leg away from him and he immediately got up and got off at the next stop. he stared at me all the way to the end of the platform. ive never felt so weirded out euuuh thats 100% the worst thing about gays is that there is a culture of just random sex, thats how AIDS happened so easily euuuh. i kept beeing really wary and felt so alone and unprotected on the rest of the journey i was legit scared he was following me what a fuckin shark euuhhhhgg. but now i realise thats how women feel like 80% of the time, they must get hit on about 20 times a week and i’ve had 1 and it made me feel hollow and used even though he was just really aggressively rubbing against me.

5 days ago: see this is the reason i dont have a boyfriend but also ther reason i need one get what i mean

today (21st June 2014): also lately ive been noticing more and more that there is a definite difference between my life here in london and back home in glasgow,when i went back home to glasgow i laughed so much harder than i had for the 4 weeks i had just spent in london. my friends from scotland just know me better and are more like me and actually care about me and understand me more than anyone else in london possibly ever will. which is shite because i want it to be the same but its not, somehow we always end up back to talking about drag queens or nicki minaj or beyonce or contemporary dance companies ive never heard of or what houses look cool on the internet or clothes clothes clothes. also if someone at home said something they thought was funny but wasnt actually we could all go aw that wasnt funny and they’d gracefully accept, but here everyone doesnt want to offend anyone and doesnt say a thing or fake laughs, or brings it up and they get SO OFFENDED FOR NO REASON like shut up if you know something wasnt funny or smart and someone calls it out accept it like a human dont lie. also i miss having people that can form an argument that is actually funny, usually now it just gets to “well fuck you gayboy” thats not funny or somewhere we can lead off from its just boring and leaves the other person thinking “oh well they havent replied therefore ive won” NO you’ve just been so much of an idiot that i have nowhere to go from. also i learned i have no acceptance for people who say that they are a good judgment of character or want to control people, if you say those things outloud in normal conversation ive got news for you guess what you arent and you arent smart enough to do so. its like couples who refer to themselves as power-couples if you have to say it then its not true. im tired of fake laughing and pretending i respect these crappy opinions that endlessly spew out these fuckin beautiful talented people but i guess if i have to condemn myself to shitty jobs with smarter nicer people then so be it.